Paradox
by WizardsGirl
Summary: In this tale, we follow the lives of three Kunoichi as they begin their journey in the world of shinobi... No matter how unfit for it they may, at first, seem. Joint fic with HiddenByFaeries & ArgentSterling. T for cursing & Ninjaness
1. PROLOGUE: Introducing Our Heroines

**A/N:** Hey y'all, I know you're irritated that I'm not updating my other fics but adding more, and I'm SORRY, but I can't help it, honest!

Anyways, This is a fic written in cooperation with my friends and fellow authors _**HiddenByFaeries**_ and _**ArgentSterling**_. Me and Sterling were chatting about what kind of Ninja's we would be if we were in Naruto (and how bad at it we would be), and I brought Faeries in on the conversation, and then me and Faeries got talking and suggestions were made and BAM! This fic was born! It is a gag-fic, of the lives of three original characters (based off my friends and I, but twisted to our imaginations delight, as is our right as writers) and how these not-too-good-at-being-ninja kunoichi would survive in the Naruto world. There will NOT be any major variations to the main Naruto plot, besides the adding these characters to the graduating class and such like that, and they will NOT be following Naruto & Co. around like lost puppies. So, no requesting any of that "Can't you do this or that?" stuff, understand? Good!

I sincerely hope you enjoy yourselves and have fun reading this fic and, remember, life itself is a

_**Paradox!**_

**PROLOGUE:**

Introducing Our Heroines

Morning came upon the Hidden Village of Konohagakure, otherwise known as Konoha, waking its inhabitants with its gentle golden rays and the gentle music of bird-song…

"Kaminari Namiko!" A sharp, stern voice cracks the peaceful atmosphere from a small home near the outskirts of the village, followed by a loud, repeated banging, like a sturdy fist against a not-so-sturdy door. "Wake up right now, Namiko!" A woman in her late forties, with, mostly gray-black hair, and sharp gray eyes; stood outside of a bedroom door within the house, the outside of the door decorated with colorfully painted designs and scribbles. The woman banged again, just as harshly as before, she huffed, placing her fist on her hp, where her other already rested on the opposite hip.

"You have ten minutes to get ready, Namiko, and then you'll be late for the Academy, understand? Ten minutes, _not_ thirty, you hear me?"

"Alright already!" A cry came from beyond the door, and the older woman nodded, looking satisfied, if not entirely pleased. As she walked away, we find ourselves slipping under the door and into the room beyond.

It was a small room, with a bare floor and bare walls, both covered in more of the colorful painted decorations from the door. A small dresser sat against one wall, perpendicular to the only window in the room, and directly in front of it, and below that window, was a dark blue pallet, on which stretched a girl no older then twelve, sunlight glancing across her sleep-mussed red hair as she threw her arms above her head, cursing under her breath as her hands inevitably knocked hard against the wood of her dresser. Muttering to herself, she squinted dark green eyes open and sat up with a groan. Yawning, she scratched her head and peered around the room with one eye, scowling lightly, before climbing to her feet, exposing the pink spaghetti-strap night shirt that went down to her navel, and white short-shorts that cupped muscular thighs. She took a step-

And promptly face-planted on the hardwood floor due to her foot tangling in the bed covers of her pallet. She groaned again. _Today just is __**not**__ my day_, was the only thought that went through her head, before she got up and started getting ready for what was her, hopefully, last day at Academy. She stripped swiftly and uncaringly in front of the window, yanking open one of the drawers of her small dresser and pulling out some clean underclothes first, which she promptly put on, before going to a different drawer and digging around. She pulled out a pair of dark purple yoga shorts, the kind that hugged your skin and ended at just above the knee. She pulled those on, and then pulled out a long-sleeved mesh shirt, which she immediately pulled on, before digging out a lavender half-shirt for some decency… though she still had a rather large amount of skin left bare. Picking the brush up off the top of the dresser, Namiko dragged it firmly through her hair a few times, before tying all of it back but two long, thick strands of "bangs" to frame her face, ending up in a short, bobby tail. Then she picked up the larger-than-normal kunai-and-shurikan pack and tied it onto her right thigh, checking inside to make sure the small log she habitually carried with her was in it. Seeing that it was, she smirked, tossed her head slightly to get her bangs out of her face, turned towards the door-

And once again tripped over her blankets.

"Damn it!"

Meanwhile, across town, in an apartment building, another girl was getting up to get dressed for what she, too, hoped was her final day at the Ninja Academy. Momose Hotaru finished braiding the second pig-tail of her bright, cotton-candy blue hair, equally bright _pink_ eyes sparkling happily as she smiled at her reflection, blowing herself a kiss.

"I'm gonna kick major butt," she informed her reflection happily, grinning, though, if you knew her, you'd know that this wasn't, by far, a rare expression. In fact, what _was _rare was to see the eleven-year-old _without_ a smile. Humming happily, Hotaru turned swiftly on her stool and, much like another promising kunoichi we know, promptly toppled straight to the floor, when she somehow managed to over-balance. She bounced right back up, however, still smiling, and went to quickly change out of her mint-green pajamas.

Soon she was properly, decked out in what she always wore to class. A short-sleeved purple kimono-like shirt with green accents, paired with a green slit skirt and mesh under shorts. Knee-length dark purple slipper-like shoes clothed her feet, while long arm warmers decorated her arms. The pack where she kept her medic-nin equipment, the unit of study she excelled in, sat on her belt within easy reach. Smiling, she darted into the kitchen, where her father waited with breakfast and a smile just as bright, and hair that, while just as blue, was beginning to recede at the temples.

"Good luck today, Hotaru-chan," he told her, bending and kissing her cheek as she kissed his, before she sat to begin eating and he headed for the door, ready to go and open his dango shop.

"Have a good day, Tousan!" she called back in reply, and he flashed her a warm grin, dark pink eyes gleaming with affectionate love, before he left, closing the door behind him. Hotaru happily dug into her breakfast, eager to begin the day, and hopefully get one of those hitate-ai to her name by the end of the day as well.

We move away, now, though, to another apartment building, one much less well-kept, in a part of the thriving village where those less-fortunate resided, we come upon yet another promising young kunoichi-in-the-making as she sits at her rickety kitchen table in her quiet apartment, slowly sipping tea as she sat, pale, gray-tinged purple eyes half-lidded as she watched the slow progress of a cockroach across her kitchen counter. Her short, wavy dark pine green hair cupping her pale face as she continued to slowly sip, eyes closing, narrowing further, as the bug skittered around aimlessly. The thirteen-year-old girl, whose name was Hibiki Ito, was dressed in a black thigh-length, thick-fabric-made dress, with long sleeves that were firmly folded and pinned back to her elbows with senbon needles. It had a wide neck, allowing one to see the mesh she wore under it, and glimpse the bandages she wore under _that_, to go with the bandages wrapped firmly around her forearms. Her left leg, crossed neatly over her right, was encased entirely in mesh, while the other was similarly covered, only in bandages and, as she leaned back from her intense study of the cockroach that had encroached upon her counter, the green sash wrapped around her middle, pinned there with more senbon just like her sleeves, was a flash a color against the darkness of her dress.

Finally, her pale gray-tinged-purple eyes glanced towards the quietly clicking clock on her wall, and she sighed, picking up her empty plate and taking it to the sink, giving it a thorough rinse along with her empty tea-cup, watching from the corner of her eye as the cockroach scrambled to hide itself in the crevice from which it had immerged, a crack in her wall to the left of her small fridge.

"Time for class," she murmured, rolling her shoulders and heading for the door, slipping into her black slipper-like sandals, she picked up the small pack sitting on the little table next to the door, and tied it onto the green sash so that she could slip her hand in and touch her scrolls, the ones containing the poisons she'd been ever-so-carefully working on for the past six months. Smiling slightly, with a nod, she turned towards the door, and started out, ready, finally, for her last day at the Academy.

Namiko cursed as she darted down the street, shoving the last bite of a badly-made rice ball into her mouth with barely a grimace. _Kaasan can sew and knit like a dream_, she thought dryly as she darted through the, thankfully, still thin morning crowd. _But put her in a kitchen, and you might as well be asking Kami-sama to laugh at your misfortune._ She waved at the few calls of her name, mostly those merchants who knew her parents, whether for her mother's clothing or her father's pottery, it mattered little. As she caught sight of the Academy, something bright orange flashed in her peripheral and she looked up, only to trip and fall hard on the ground, cursing sharply and scowling darkly. When an elderly woman passing by gave her a scolding look, Namiko promptly told her where to shove it, and returned her incredulous stare to the Hokage Monument, where, even at that moment, one of her classmates, a fellow prankster, Uzumaki Naruto, was hanging from a rope and painting _graffiti _on the face of the Yondaime Hokage, the three other proud faces of the previous and current Hokages all covered in similar…art.

"Oh dear Kami," she breathed, and, suddenly, her lips began to twitch, until she had a wide, mirthful grin stretched across her face, green eyes glittering with laughter. "That baka actually did _that_?" She let out a laugh and, mood much restored, turned and continued making her way towards the academy, still grinning like a lunatic, making several civilians unconsciously, or perhaps even consciously, give her a wider berth.

"Oh my," Hotaru said, pink eyes wide as she observed Naruto's latest prank from the window of the Academy, a floor below her classroom. She stared at the graffiti for a few moments, then smiled and shook her head, braids snapping left and right with the fast movements.

"Iruka-sensei is gonna be _ma-a-a-ad_!" she sing-songed, giggling quietly, amused, before skipping towards the stairs and up towards her classroom.

"Baka," Ito sighed with fond exasperation, eying the 'decorations' Naruto had painted on their most honored leaders faces. Her lips curved though, and she shook her head, leaping down from a house roof and making her swift way towards the Academy building. _You still haven't changed, not even after the orphanage,_ she thought about her orange-loving, blond-haired friend, amused and a tad bittersweet at the same time. She shook her head, entered the building, and quickly made her way up the stairs. While she had no doubt Iruka-sensei was a bit busy going after the… disturbance, that was one Uzumaki Naruto, she didn't want to be late. Her eyes darted around the class as she entered, and she saw that most everyone was there, though she noticed that the Nara boy was passed out on his desk, as was the Inuzuka, his dog blinking sleepily around the room from his perk on his head. Neither boy was ever at their brightest in the mornings, though with the Nara you could never tell, as he tended to sleep _all the time_, but Ito got the sneaking suspicion that he had a brain hidden under that pineapple-hair of his.

"Damn it!" A loud curse had her sending a dry look towards one Kaminari Namiko, who had somehow managed to fall backwards in her chair and bash the back of her head on the desk behind her. Laughter ricocheted around the room, and the redhead scrambled to her feet, scowling at the chair as if it had somehow sabotaged her, before grudgingly taking her seat once more, the boy next to her still snickering. Ito shook her head slightly at her fellow Kunoichi, just glad that she was one of the few that wasn't a Uchiha fan-girl, and made her way towards her seat in the back row.

Namiko rubbed gingerly at the back of her head, grumbling under her breath, and sent the boy next to her a dark look that soon had him scooting a little away, her green eyes narrowing. He'd probably nudged the chair and made her fall… Yeah, that explained why she fell, when she'd been sitting on all four legs and everything! Eyes narrowing further, she contemplated sticking a kunai in a very unpleasant place, and the boy continued to scoot farther and farther away.

Hotaru giggled behind one of her hands and turned her attention away from the redhead kunoichi who was subtly menacing the boy beside her. The other girls fall had taken attention from her own, and she concentrated on her right hand under her desk, breathing calmly as her chakra easily pooled there and began to gleam around the appendage in the green of a medic-jutsu as she healed the nasty scrape on her knee that was making it hard for her to bend it. After a few seconds, she stopped, smiling a little wider and retrieving her hand to set on the desktop, crossing her freshly-healed leg over her other and resting her chin on her hand, humming as she waited for Iruka-sensei to come back.

Half an hour later, Iruka was, indeed, back, with a tied-up Naruto in tow. He spent a good portion of the class lecturing, but, to be honest, there were very few who paid attention to that part, as those lectures _were_ aimed at Naruto, and about how the next day was the Graduation Exam. Everyone _did_ pay attention, though, when he assigned the entire class to practice _Henge no Jutsu_ (Transformation Technique).

"Transform _perfectly_ into me!" he demanded as everyone groaned and lined up. When Namiko's turn came up, she quickly went through the hand signs, _dog-boar-ram_, and, with a poof of smoke, transformed into the teacher, smirking at him and giving him a wink.

"Isn't this a little narcissistic, Iruka-sensei?" she asked innocently, but he just gave her a stern look, so she dispelled the jutsu and he moved on. When it was Hotaru's turn, she grinned, sped through the signs, and popped into her teachers likeness with ease, grinning at him happily.

"Good," Iruka told her with a nod, and she released the jutsu, clapping her hands, pleased. A few more people, and then it was Ito's turn, and she swiftly made the Henge, blinking placidly at her teacher, eyes half-lidded in the exact same expression she'd held while observing the cockroach on her countertop that morning. When Iruka gave her the go-ahead, she released the transformation and returned to her desk. The students who had completed the jutsu watched boredly as Iruka went slowly through the entire class, until he finally reached Naruto. Instead of the expected form of Iruka, however, everyone was left gaping as the blond prankster transformed into a naked, curvaceous woman, with only the remnants of smoke covering 'her' more private parts. Iruka was immediately hit by a vicious nosebleed, and, as Naruto dispelled the jutsu, grinning triumphantly, Namiko and a few others laughed outright at the successful prank.

"I call this one _Oiroke no jutsu_ (Sexy Technique, Ninja Centerfold, etcetera, etcetera)!" Naruto laughed, grinning.

"You moron!" Iruka yelled, nose still dribbling lightly. "Don't invent stupid skills!" And, unknowingly thinking in unison, the kunoichi all mused at the same time,

_It got you, didn't it?_

Class after that was filled with familiar lectures on the uses of the three Academy jutsus, _Henge no jutsu_ (Transformation Technique), _Bunshin no Jutsu_ (Clone Technique), and Namiko's personal favorite, the _Kawarimi no jutsu_ (Body Replacement Technique). It was very familiar ground, as they had heard these lectures many times, so many of the students spent the time daydreaming of the next day, when the Academy Graduating Exam would see them as Genin and, finally, as true Shinobi of the village.

For three certain kunoichi, it couldn't come fast enough.

**A/N:** And CUT~! It didn't turn out exactly as I planned, but in a GOOD way, so, yes. _**HiddenByFaeries**_, _**ArgentSterling**_, I hope you like your characters, you know who they are! Next chapter will be the Graduation Exam and a bit of a surprise for everyone, so please **R&R!**


	2. ONE: The Demon Instructor

**A/N:** Here's the next chapter! I hope you enjoy it, as I enjoyed writing it!

**ONE:**

The Demon Instructor

"Good morning, class," Iruka greeted the next day, smiling slightly at the mass of young faces. "Today is the Graduation Exam, the day where some of you go on to become Genin, otherwise known as Junior Ninja, the very beginning level of the Shinobi Corps. From here on out, your lives belong to the Hokage and your superiors. You will be placed in dangerous situations, and the only people you can rely on are your teammates and your leaders, and your training. The missions you receive, no matter how strange or silly or boring, are _always_ for the good of Konoha and its people, and you need to remember that." He looked around at them seriously, brown eyes calm.

"If you pass this test, you will be given a hitate-ai, a headband like this one," he pointed to the one on his head, the leaf insignia shining with obvious care. "You are also given one week, before you must return here to be separated into teams of three, under a Jounin sensei, who will then take up your training and well-fare. For those of you that fail this test, you're looking forward to another whole year under my tutelage to try and get my lessons pounded into your skulls." He smiled as he said this, though.

"Now," he continued, holding up a clipboard and gesturing towards his white-haired assistant, Mizuki, with a calm seriousness. "For the Graduation Exam you will be performing the _Bunshin no Jutsu_ (Clone Technique). When you are called, come into the next room." He then called the first name, starting in alphabetical order by last name, and entered the room with Mizuki and the slightly-nervous but determined-looking boy. As soon as the door was closed, people began talking.

"Can you imagine another _year_ here?" One of the boys asked his friends, shuddering. His friend grimaced.

"Talk about bad luck," he agreed, with a shudder of his own.

Namiko was pouting, and she knew she was. She had been hoping that the test would be over the _Kawarimi no Jutsu_ (Body Replacement Technique), her best and favorite of the Academy jutsu's, but, oh well. She could _Bunshin_ pretty well, so she would pass. It was still depressing, though…

Hotaru grinned happily, pleased that it was a jutsu test and not, say, a survival test or something of that sort. She _loathed_ those. All the nasty bugs that could crawl on you when you weren't paying attention… She gave a slight shudder, but continued smiling, though now it was a bit strained. After all, she knew _exactly_ what kind of damage a parasitical insect could do to a humans body if left unchecked, and the pictures that tried to flood her mind were _not_ going to help her concentration.

Ito breathed a silent sigh of relief. _Bunshin_, she could do. _Henge no Jutsu_ (Transformation Technique), she could do _very_ well. It was that damn _Kawarimi_ she had issues with. Sometimes she did it perfectly, but, most of the time, she messed it up. It was the only thing she envied the Kaminari girl for, her seemingly perfect ability to work a _Kawarimi_ into any situation, and do it _perfectly_. Perhaps she would ask for a bit of advice, after she passed this Exam, that is…

And it wasn't too long before she was called into the next room. She stood across from Iruka and Mizuki as they sat behind a desk with clipboards, and on the desk were a few rows of the hitate-ai.

"Begin," Iruka told her with a comforting smile, and she swiftly preformed the three hand signs. _Ram, snake, tiger_ and, two clones slid into existence. The two Chunin jotted something down on their clipboards, and she was allowed to dismiss the jutsu.

"Well done, Ito," Iruka told her warmly, before handing her one of the headbands. "Please go into the next room with the others who finished the test, and wait for class to be dismissed. Thank you." Ito nodded and walked calmly into the next room to take a new seat, and began peering at her hitate-ai seriously. Almost everyone in the room so far had one, and had it around their forehead. Two did not have a hitate-ai, and were sulking off in a corner, doomed for another year at Academy. Thinking it over, she finally tied the blue cloth around her neck, setting it there tight enough that it didn't slide around, but loose enough that it wasn't uncomfortable. That done, she leaned back and closed her eyes, and just breathed deeply, with a small smile.

She was done with the Academy.

Namiko all but ran into the room when she was called, bouncing on her feet, eager to go on and get one of those weird headbands, and begin missions. She gave a hard grin to the two senseis behind the desk, green eyes locking, momentarily, on the group of hitate-ai in front of them with longing, before she straightened up and got ready to perform the test.

"You may begin," Mizuki told her with a gentle smile; her hands sped through the signs, _ram, snake, tiger,_ and her two clones rose into existence. They remained until she was told to dismiss them, and she was handed a hitate-ai and told to go to the next room after a few minutes of the sensei's scribbling on their clipboards. Grinning, she darted into the next room-

And tripped, landing directly onto her face.

"Damn it!" She got up, scowling, and bounded over to a desk, growling at a few snickering graduates, before happily looking at her headband. She didn't want it on her head, though. Kami knows she fell on the blasted things enough that, should she put the hitate-ai there, it would be dented and scuffed in a week. Instead, after a few minutes of thought, she happily tied it around her waist, grinning down at it, pleased. Oh, yeah, she was looking bad _ass_ now!

Hotaru skipped into the Exam Room, and managed to catch herself on the doorway before she tripped, giggling slightly and rubbing the back of her neck sheepishly as she grinned at the two Chunin behind the desk.

"I'm ready, Iruka-sensei, Mizuki-sensei!" She chirruped cheerfully, and the two of them shared amused glances, before telling her to begin. She easily went through the hand signs, and soon there were two other Hotaru's standing behind her, she pursed her lips and peered at one. _My left pig-tail is off-center_, she thought, a little off-put, self-consciously reaching up and tugging at her own braided pig-tail.

"Thank you, Hotaru," Iruka told her, making her jump slightly and turn an embarrassed smile on him. "You can dismiss them now." He looked amused, so she laughed sheepishly, and did as he said, dismissing the jutsu, and then beamed happily as she accepted her new hitate-ai, and promptly tied it around her right leg, over the mesh of her shorts, just under her skirt, before she skipped into the next room, away from her senseis' bemused looks, and took a seat at a desk, next to the Inuzuka boy who always made her grin.

After everyone had taken the test, they were dismissed, and most met with their parents in the courtyard. Ito left immediately, as did Namiko and Hotaru, though all of them for different reasons. Ito left, because, as an orphan, there were no parents waiting to congratulate her on graduating, and so she returned to her apartment to see if she could finish her latest project, a sleeping gas bomb she had created herself. Namiko left because she knew that her guardians wouldn't have shown up even if she'd been promoted to Hokage, let alone to the measly level of Genin, and so _she_ was on her way to the Shinobi Library, where she would _finally_ be allowed in, now that she was an actual member of the Shinobi Corps. She planned on going through some tactical research. Hotaru knew her Tousan would be busy at his dango shop, and so was on her way there, happy that she had an entire week to both help her father at said shop and also read up on some more medical ninjutsu.

The three of them spent their week doing exactly those things. Ito worked on her sleeping gas bomb (having taken it to a remote training field after the landlord complained about the noises and threatened to raise her rent), and got it to a point where she was willing to use it in a battle, if need be. Namiko studied several different battles and battle tactics, and looked extensively into traps and their designs, practicing by using harmless pranks against civilians; which, while entertaining, led to her having to hide away from a couple of Chunin for the last three days when one of the Chuunin's little sister became a victim. And Hotaru studied medical ninjutsu, also known as Ijutsu, and worked in the kitchen at her Tousan's dango shop, Momose Dango, cleaning dishes and helping mix the batter and stuff like that.

When it was time to receive their teams, all of those who had graduated once more entered the Academy and took seats, sitting wherever they pleased as opposed to their previous assigned positions. There was some minor drama dealing with Uzumaki Naruto, who had failed the graduation test, and yet had somehow gained a hitate-ai and was among their number. Ito was pleased for her friend, and both Hotaru and Namiko were glad that the prankster had made it through for the simple fact that not nearly enough ninja had a sense of humor. Both were some of the few who cracked up when the boy caused further drama by being knocked into one Uchiha Sasuke, the Rookie of the Year, and ended up locking lips.

Of course, neither of them thought it very funny when the pink-haired Haruno girl beat him up for it.

"It was an accident, jeez," Namiko said to the blue-haired girl, who nodded, sending a worried look towards the bruised and swollen-faced Naruto.

"She did overreact," Hotaru agreed simply, before she pulled out a small container of dango, and offered one with a grin. Namiko blinked at her, bemused.

"Eh, what the hell," she decided, and plucked one out, smiling at the other girl, before beginning to munch on the treat while Hotaru did the same, putting the rest of the dango away. They all sat for a while until Iruka appeared to talk to them.

"Beginning today, all of you are real ninjas," he told them calmly. "But you are merely rookie Genin. The hard part is about to start. Now… you will soon be assigned duties by the village." _Didn't he go over this last week? _Namiko wondered, and Ito and Hotaru both had similar thoughts, but all three remained attentive. "So today we will be creating the three man teams, and each team will have a Jounin sensei. You will follow that sensei's instructions as you complete the assigned duties. We tried to balance each teams strengths-" Here, there was an outcry, which Iruka ignored as he began naming teams.

"-Team Six will be Momose Hotaru, Hibiki Ito, and Kaminari Namiko," he announced, and Namiko blinked, then pointed at Hotaru.

"Yo," she greeted, and they both grinned at one another, before looking around for their third teammate, who sighed, stood, and made her way over to sit on the desk, smiling slightly, amused as Namiko calmly pointed at her, and repeated the greeting.

"Yo," the redhead said, and Hotaru giggled and offered dango, which the green-haired kunoichi accepted with a quiet 'arigato'. Namiko kicked back, setting her feet on the desk, grinning in a vaguely cat-like way, while Hotaru perched her chin on her hands and just grinned happily. Ito finished her dango and set the stick down, leaning back on her hands idly as they waited for Iruka to finish setting up the teams.

"Okay," Iruka finally said, smile a little strained while watching Naruto and Sakura fight… well, more like Sakura pummel Naruto. "This afternoon we'll introduce the Jounin senseis. Take a break until then." And, just like that, they were dismissed. Namiko, Hotaru, and Ito all made their way out together, the blue-haired girl skipping, the red-head walking with her hands behind her head, and the green-haired girl swaying slightly as she stalked down the Academy halls, leading the other two, who didn't seem to really mind.

"So…" Namiko started as they finally came to a stop outside, on the playset. Namiko was on a swing, while Hotaru was hanging upside-down on the monkey bars (which made her long, long braids nearly touch the ground, too her new teammates amusement), and Ito reclined on the bottom of the slide. "We should talk a bit about ourselves, so that we know some more about each other, and so our Jounin sensei can't fuck with our heads!" She grinned.

"I'll go first!" Hotaru exclaimed, waving a hand excitedly. "I'm Momose Hotaru, I'm eleven, and I'm really interested in Ijutsu, and hate bugs, and my Tousan owns Momose Dango, the dango shop! I was born in Suna but Tousan and I moved here when I was seven after Kaasan died, and so I was in time to start the Academy. I like reading up on Ijutsu, the colors purple and green, sharp things, and rice balls! I don't like bugs, ramen, or the color yellow!" She grinned. "I want to one day start an Medic-nin school!" She pointed at Namiko, grinning. "Your turn!" Namiko grinned and swung a little.

"I'm Kaminari Namiko, age twelve, and I like traps, mostly getting out of them, 'cause who the fuck _wants_ to get trapped, ya know? So, anyways, I practice traps by setting them up as pranks, which I really like, and I live with Shunya Sora and his wife Shunya Himawari, who are both merchants and my guardians. I'm an orphan," she explained at her teammates curious looks. They nodded and she went on. "I like painting, pranking, and _Kawarimi_. I fucking _hate_ meditating, fan-girls and fan-boys, and _poodles_." Here she shuddered, wrinkling her nose and rubbing a scar on her leg with a dark look, muttering foul things under her breath, before shaking her head. "I'm gonna one day learn exactly one thousand different ways to trap a Jounin, and then turn them into pranks, and make a book about it, so that kids can learn something really fucking important without bitching." Grinning, she nodded and pointed at Ito. "Your turn, green-girl!" Ito rolled her gray-tinged-purple eyes in good humor.

"I am Hibiki Ito, age thirteen," she told them calmly. "I like poisons, and especially using senbon and other ways to use them from a safe distance, though I _have_ made sure to build a strong immunity to every one of the poisons I use, and some others, just in case." She eyed them for a moment. "We might have to start you two on that as well, considering we'll be working together." They nodded, and she continued. "I am an orphan, though I live by myself, in an apartment building in the less… nice, part of the village. I like experimenting on my poisons, making new poisons, collecting poison ingredients from Training Ground Forty-Four, cooking, and training on my weaknesses. I _dislike_ arrogant narrow minded cowardly people, those who hurt my precious people, _Kawarimi_, and food being wasted." Namiko squawked a bit at the _Kawarimi_ part, but then simply sat with a proverbial raincloud over her head, muttering darkly. "And my dream is to one day be the best Poisons Mistress in the world." They all relaxed for a little while, occasionally talking, before they headed off in separate directions to go and eat lunch. Hotaru went straight to her Tousan's shop, Namiko went to go get some ramen, and Ito went to her apartment to make herself a bento.

The three of them met on the path back to the Academy a few hours later, and entered it together, sitting at a desk near the back. After ten minutes, the rest of the graduates were there and, a little while longer, and Iruka entered, followed by a handful of what must have been their Jounin senseis. They immediately began calling out team names, and trio's of Genin followed their new sensei's out the door dutifully.

"When do you think our sensei's going to get here?" Hotaru asked; Ito and Namiko shrugged at the same time.

"Better be fucking soon," the redhead muttered, annoyed. "I don't want to be here all damn day." And it seemed someone was listening to them because, just as she finished, the window exploded inward, and a blur somersaulted in. Four kunai were thrown, a banner unfurled, and everyone was left staring blankly at the purple-haired kunoichi who stood before it with a cat-like grin, with the words _**Team Six Jounin Sensei**_ exploding across the banner, which the four kunai had pinned at each corner.

"Alright, maggots!" she barked. "I am Team Six's Jounin sensei, Mitarashi Anko! You three are to follow me, let's go!" She threw an arm up dramatically, while no one moved, just staring at her complete shock. And they continued to stare at her, until Iruka, face holding a strained smile, hesitantly stepped up next to the kunoichi, whose expression had steadily darkened with the lack of movement.

"Ah, Hibiki Ito, Kaminari Namiko, Momose Hotaru," he called out, a little weakly, and gestured. "Come join your sensei." The three girls gave him blank, disbelieving stares, before sharing a look.

"…Okay!" Hotaru said, grinning and hopping up, skipping forward. Ito followed with the wary look of someone approaching a rabid dog. Namiko finally cursed and strode after them, eying Anko with a mixture of fascination and wariness, as well as some amusement. The purple-haired Jounin dropped her still-raised hand to her hip, and glared at the three of them with her pupil-less brown eyes assessingly, before snorting.

"Alright maggots," she said, "you three and me, we're going to have a little chat. Then we'll see if you're fit for those headbands," suddenly, she was grinning, and a chill went down the girls spines. "This is gonna be _fun_!" The three of them shared a look, and followed their obviously insane sensei out through the door, leaving the banner behind for someone else (most probably Iruka) to deal with later.

They had a _bad_ feeling about this…

**A/N: **And there we go! Hope you liked it~! **R&R~!**


	3. TWO: The Genin Test

**A/N: **And so entered Anko, the most EPIC kunoichi to EVER exist in Naruto, who all Kunoichi should live up to be… Well, minus the insanity, blood-fetish, and obsession with Dango, that is…

**R&R~!**

**TWO:**

The Genin Test

Anko lead them on a winding path, over rooftops, through alleyways, and down streets, both crowded and empty, until they finally reached their destination… which turned out to be a dango shop. Not all surprising considering the Jounin that led the three young kunoichi there, but then again, they knew absolutely nothing about her, so it _was_ surprising.

"Cop a squat, maggots," Anko ordered, hopping into a chair at a table and kicking one booted foot onto it, leaning back on two legs. Ito, Hotaru, and Namiko shared a look, shrugged, and quickly took their seats. After a few moments, a large plate of dango was being placed on their table without having to be ordered, and Hotaru was being scooped up and spun lightly around in the arms of her father, who was laughing happily as she giggled, both ignoring the blatant stares from both her teammates, and her Jounin sensei, who already had a bare dango stick in her mouth.

"Tousan!" Hotaru complained, and he set her down, kissing her forehead happily. The blue-haired girl beamed and pointed to her teammates. "These are the other girls on my team! The redhead is Namiko, and the greenette is Ito! And this is our Jounin sensei, but you already know her," she said cheerfully, grinning up at him, and he chuckled, kissing her forehead once more and pushing her gently towards her seat, which she happily retook.

"Hai, I know Mitarashi-san," he agreed, and smiled at them all happily. "I am Momose Ken, Hotaru's father and owner of this little place." He turned his dark pink eyes on Anko, and dragged a large, long-fingered hand through his blue hair with a grin. "And I'll just add that to your tab, eh, Mitarashi-san?" She nodded with her cat-like smile and, with a wave and a playful wink to his daughter, Ken swiftly left their table to tend to his other customers. Anko had gone through three more sticks of dango during the course of the conversation, eyes in slits and locked on Hotaru calculatingly. Namiko reached cautiously forward to pick up one of the sticks…

And Anko proved just how fast a Jounin could move, lashing out with a kunai-

Which sank deeply into the small log that was where the redhead had been just seconds before.

"What the fucking hell is the _matter_ with you, psycho-bitch sensei?" Namiko's voice screeched from under the table and, seconds later, she emerged, green eyes huge and face pale, to point an accusing finger at the purple-haired Jounin. "That coulda fucking _killed_ me!" Anko gave her a cat-smile, and popped the empty dango-stick from her mouth, setting it on the small pile she had growing in front of her.

"First rule, maggot," she purred, and when she opened her squinted-shut eyes, her cat-smile turned into something malicious and not all-together sane. "Never. Touch. My. Dango. Any questions?" Namiko and Hotaru gulped, while Ito leaned pointedly away, all three of them eying her like she was a missing-nin and they were civilians standing between her and an escape route. Anko cocked her head in a violent motion, neck cracking, and once more gave a cat-smile. "Good!" She chirruped, and scooped up another stick of dango.

"…Crazy bitch," Namiko muttered, picking up her _Kawarimi no Jutsu_ (Body Replacement Technique) log and wrenching the kunai from it before slipping the log back into her weapons pouch. She contemplated throwing it at her sensei, but then decided she _really_ didn't want to see how far the Jounin's crazy went, and instead lightly tossed it to the other side of the table, where Anko, still steadily consuming her dango, idly picked it up and slid it _somewhere_.

"Did you do _Kawarimi_ without hand signs?" Hotaru asked her redheaded teammate, who nodded proudly, green eyes bright.

"It's my favorite jutsu," she said cheerfully. Ito huffed and sulked a little, crossing her arms. Namiko and Hotaru noticed, and both recalled that one of the greenette's dislikes was that particular technique. Namiko pouted at her, and Hotaru giggled, hands covering her grin at her teammates actions as their eyes met, and then they both scowled and looked away.

"I can't believe you don't like _Kawarimi_," Namiko said without looking at Ito, who sniffed delicately and kept her eyes away.

"Yes, well, you wouldn't like something you're no good at either," she said stiffly, and Namiko blinked, dropping her unconsciously crossed arms and turning wide eyes on the other girl. Ito continued to stare out of the dango-shop, watching the crowds. Namiko hesitated, then frowned.

"Well then," she said, with a firm nod. "It's my duty as your teammate to help you with your weaknesses, right? So, I'll help you with _Kawarimi_, and you already said you'd help Hotaru and me get immune to your poisons, so you don't have to pay me back or nothin'!" Ito turned to stare at her with narrowed eyes, and Namiko smirked at her challengingly. "What? You ain't afraid of some fucking work, are you, green girl?" The greenette snorted, gray-tinged-purple eyes now amused.

"Hardly," she drawled; Hotaru beamed and clapped her hands together happily.

"And I can get you both caught up in anatomy!" She declared, looking delighted. "There are so many places on the body you can hit that can be kill shots, mortal wounds, crippling, or even just places that cause excruciating amounts of pain, and then there are places you want to avoid if you're aim is to capture or interrogate, because of certain places where veins and arteries abound and your captive could bleed to death if you hit them. Did you know that a gut wound, untended, could lead to an extremely painful death over a period from anywhere between three days to a week?" She continued to beam happily as she said all this, not noticing the blank stares her companions were giving her. "And if you castrate a male at _just_ the right-"

"_Oh_-kay!" Namiko said loudly, interrupting her. "You can teach us anatomy, but try and keep that gory shit _away_ from the meal, okay blue chick?" Hotaru blinked, startled, then cheered and clapped her hands.

"That's all fun and rainbows, brats," Anko said lazily, rocking slightly on the two back legs of her chair, eating another stick of dango, smirking up at the ceiling. "But, see, there's just a teeny, _tiny_ little problem with that." She dropped her foot, and the chair fell onto all fours with a thunk as the crazy kunoichi plopped her elbows on the table, and rested her chin on her hands, smirk still in place, dango-stick hanging from her mouth. She lifted one hand away, and lifted her pointer finger to twirl and jab at them. "You ain't really Genin yet." They stared at her blankly, even Hotaru, smiles gone in their disbelieving, uneasy confusion.

"What-" Ito started.

"The fuck-" Namiko continued.

"Do you mean-" Hotaru murmured.

"We're not Genin?" They all finished, and the purple-haired kunoichi's smirk widened to that unnerving, slightly (mostly) insane grin.

"Do you dumbasses really think that you could be Shinobi just because you could perform an _Academy Jutsu_ well?" she mocked, still grinning, pupil-less brown eyes glinting. "You, maggots, have to pass a test of _my_ choosing to continue as cute little Genin, and, if you don't? You get to go right on back to that little Academy of yours, for a whole 'nother year of training." She gave them a cat-smile, tilting her head cheerfully. "Won't this be fun?" She put the dango stick on the growing pile and picked up a new treat, and returned to her previous position of leaning back, grinning up at the ceiling, while the three pale Genin gaped at her in stunned silence.

"…We're doomed," Namiko muttered, and yelped as _Hotaru_ of all people smacked her upside the head, and gave her a fierce grin, pink eyes glinting.

"Nope!" she chirruped. "Not yet we aren't, at least, though your pessimistic attitude may just do the work for us if you don't stop it right now," she added, cocking her head with a thoughtful pursing of her lips. "All we gotta do is pass a test, right? The three of us?" She asked Anko, who nodded cheerfully, rocking on the two legs of the chair easily. "So what's the test?" The three Genin straightened and focused on her as she stilled, looking thoughtful.

"No clue yet!" The Jounin sang, flashing them a cat-smile, and all three of them sweat-dropped. "I've gotta put you through your paces, though, maggots, 'cause if you pass then you better damn well be the best of the lot!" Ito frowned.

"Um," she started. "Didn't you get our Academy files?" Anko waved an empty dango-stick dismissively.

"Eh, those things are crap," she said cheerfully. "You know how many of you brats hold back in class but work your little asses off outside in the real world?" She arched a brow at them. "A shit-ton of you, that's how many. Of course, some of you are just pathetic little bitches who wanna stalk pretty boy pansies and will never be anything but glorified stalkers, but whatever." She grinned as all three girls grimaced. She leaned back again, and started closing her eyes when a flash of silver caught her peripheral vision. She tilted her head ever-so-slightly, ignoring her three brats to watch as a tall, thin man with spiky silver hair walked leisurely down the street, his left eye covered by his hitate-ai and his face covered from the top of his nose down with a black cloth mask. What she was focused on, though, was the bright orange book he was reading while he walked, an occasional perverted giggle escaping from the area beneath his mask where his mouth was. Anko's eyes narrowed, and then slid to her new team. A slow, sly smile slid over her face, before it morphed into a familiar cat-smile as she slammed down onto all four legs of her chair and leaned across the table abruptly, scaring the three girls out of their whispered conversation as they discussed what they could do to prepare for the up-coming test.

"I have the _perfect_ test for you, maggots~!" Anko sang happily, grinning. "It's an infiltration and retrieval mission." The three girls leaned closer, eyes bright, and Anko gave them a serious expression, holding up one finger in a lecturing way. "Your objective is to sneak into the apartment of the target, and retrieve information that is of dire importance to your sensei. We shall meet here at dusk and I shall lead you to a stake-out point near the targets home base, and give you the rest of your mission there, understood?" The three girls, wide-eyed and thrumming with anticipation, nodded solemnly. "Until then, you are dismissed. Get outta my sight, maggots," she growled, scowling. Namiko squeaked and disappeared, replaced with a small pile of leaves, and reappeared on the other side of the street. Ito and Hotaru quickly left the shop, darting across the street after their teammate, and the three of them huddled together, nodded their heads, and took to the roofs, heading in the directions of the closest members apartment, which happened to be Hotaru's. Anko grinned a slightly malicious grin, and leaned back to eat more dango in peace, humming happily.

Ito and Namiko looked around their third teammates living room in curiosity as the bluenette flitted around her room, gathering what she believed she'd need for the mission. Soon, she joined them, and they sat on the floor to go over it.

"Okay," Ito said, frowning thoughtfully over the pile. "You've got the well-stocked med-kit, eight kunai, ten shurikan, a dozen senbon…" She cast the bluenette a questioning look, and Hotaru grinned happily.

"I can throw them just as well as a kunai, though they're harder to aim and I usually avoid using them if I can, though they make disabling an opponent without causing major physically obvious damage easier…" She pursed her lips.

"Right…" Ito muttered, and both she and Namiko scooted a little away from their blue-haired, beaming teammate as she suddenly started bouncing. "You've also got six exploding tags, some ninja wire, four smoke pellets, and three flash tags." She frowned lightly over it all, eyes narrowing slightly. "When we get to my place, I'm giving you both a mask in case we need to use one of my poison bombs, okay?" They both nodded, accepting the requirement. "I think you need more smoke bombs and flash tags, and exploding tags, but not for this missions, since its inside the village," she said. "We'll buy the bombs and supplies and make some of the tags after the mission, if we pass, okay? Otherwise I think you're all set…" Hotaru clapped her hands together lightly in happiness, before pausing, looking through all the stuff, and cocking her head.

"Hold on a moment," she said, and darted into her room. She returned carrying three small, palm-sized mirrors, and handed one to each of the other girls, smiling. "This way we can look around corners!" She explained happily. The other girls shared a look, peered at the mirrors, then thanked their teammate and slid them away into their pouches as Hotaru began easily sliding her many weapons and supplies into her large medical pouch and making some, somehow, disappear to other places on her body, much to Namiko's fascination.

"How the fuck-" Ito interrupted her question, though, with a sharp shake of her head.

"Dusk is in a few hours," she reminded. "Let's get moving." The redhead scowled but nodded sharply, and the three were soon once more leaping across rooftops, this time heading for Ito's apartment, having to walk when a few of the buildings roofs looked questionable in the area of stability. All three of them were propositioned-twice-on their way, but the perpetrators, both drunk out of their minds, stumbled away under Ito's cold glare and Namiko's sneering snarl, though Hotaru only looked vaguely confused and wide-eyed. They slipped swiftly up the stairs to the greenette's apartment, and she told them to sit on the questionably-clean couch while she gathered her supplies. The two girls eyed the apartment as they waited, but didn't comment on anything ten minutes later, when the greenette returned and spread her supplies out on her rickety table.

"I've got thirty-two senbon, six kunai and eight shurikan," Ito told them simply, eying her supplies with a critical eye. "I tend to poison at least half of my senbon and color-coordinate them depending on lethality with different nail polish." At Namiko's bizarre look, she flushed slightly. "It's hard to wipe off, but can be easily removed if you carry Remover and, let's face it, who the hell carries that stuff around?" The redhead nodded and the greenette continued. "I've got five of my newly created, but as of yet untested in the field, sleeping bombs, made from certain poisons. I've got ten smoke bombs, three vials of lethal liquid poison that evaporates immediately once it hits the air-that's the purple stuff, don't play with it." Hotaru 'eep'd and carefully set the tiny vial down under her teammates stern looks, blushing. "Its strong enough to kill a horse… which is what I tested it on, so I know… in two minutes. I have ten exploding tags, ten flash tags, and a spool of ninja wire." She then handed her teammate each a thick-clothed face mask, that make soft crinkly sounds when they moved them, even though it remained smooth. Ito had one around her neck, behind her hitate-ai, that was black. Hotaru's was dark green, and Namiko's was dark red.

"What's in it?" Hotaru asked, sniffing hers, even as Namiko neatly tied hers on. "It smells nice…"

"They're a mixture of herbs that cleanse the air and protect the nose from nasty smells," Ito explained. "My sleeping bombs, while potent, have the smell of rotten eggs and onions, so, yeah…" All three girls grimaced.

"I think you should poison your kunai and shurikan too," Namiko announced thoughtfully. "I mean, if your enemies know you only use poisoned senbon, and wait until you run out, you can be all like 'fucking surprise!' with a poisoned kunai, you know? Maybe nothing lethal on any of them, just, like, a numbing agent… You got those, right?" She frowned, forehead wrinkling, and Ito nodded.

"And hallucinogens, and knock-out poisons, slow poisons, fast poisons, and I'm working on really painful ones, and then I'm gonna work on totally painless ones, so that you never realize you're poisoned." Namiko nodded, a little unnerved and awed by her teammates current expertise. "I need to get more living specimens to experiment on, though," she admitted, and, for once, Hotaru joined Namiko in the leaning and scooting away from a teammate, both of them sharing a look. "Not human!" Ito exclaimed. "Well, not yet," she admitted, huffing. "I usually use animals I catch or buy. Rabbits work best, but they're so small, I have to guess of the proper amount for humans, which is always dangerous."

"Ri-ight…" Namiko said, continuing to warily eye her green-haired teammate. "Let's pack this shit up and head to my place, 'kay?" Ito scowled at her, but nodded and began swiftly sliding her many senbon to various places, mostly under her bandages, and slipped the rest of her stuff into her scroll pack. She took out one of the scrolls, opened it, and added two of the fragile, purple vials to the seal, watching them disappear inside the sealing scroll. She couldn't believe she'd left them sitting on the dresser next to her pallet. She looked at the third vial contemplatively, before slipping it into the front of her pouch, where her larger, purple sleep bombs rested, with her blue smoke bombs. The vial required a small burst of chakra to break, anyways, not that she was going to tell her teammates that, yet, at least. Better they tread with extra caution around any of her poisons until she had started building their immunities.

After a few minutes, she nodded at her teammates, and they were off, heading towards Namiko's house. When they reached it, the redhead groaned, scowling at the sight of her female guardian doing her seamstress routine in the living room. The gray-black haired woman sent her a disapproving look at the sight of her teammates.

"Namiko!" she barked. "What have I told you about bringing people over without sending word ahead?" Namiko bared her teeth.

"We won't be here long, Himawari," she gritted, glowering, and quickly led the way to her room, gesturing vaguely towards her still-unmade pallet for her teammates to sit as she began digging through her dresser with muttered curses. Ito and Hotaru sat at the 'foot' of the pallet, eying the many swirling markings that decorated the floor and walls and ceiling with fascination. Soon, Namiko was dumping all of her stuff down in front of them and flopping down with a pleased look.

"Okay, girls, let's play," she said, grinning. "I've got nine kunai, nine shurikan and no senbon, 'cause I can't aim with the damn things at-fucking-all. I got plenty of ninja wire, 'cause it's dead useful in pranks, which can all be turned deadly if you got the right idea, ya know?" She tapped the side of her nose and grinned, sly as a fox. "Now, I got, like, five exploding tags, six flash tags, and twelve smoke bombs, in different colors~!" She grinned. "I also got some paint bombs that could be used for distraction or something, who the hell knows?" Ito looked thoughtful and nodded, gesturing for the redhead to continue. "I've got, like, twenty fucking _Kawarimi_ logs, and always carry around at _least_ three of the damn things, so, if need be, I can always substitute all three of our asses out of a situation." The two girls nodded at her.

"Handy, that," Hotaru remarked cheerfully, and Namiko grinned easily.

"And I got a shitload of fucking rope, so if we ever need to, like, I dunno, climb something or make a trap or something, I got that shit covered!" She grinned cheerfully, and Hotaru giggled, while Ito just looked slightly amused. "Oh, and here," she said, and handed both girls a well-made brush and a large inkbottle. "This is for making seals and other stuff you wanna charge with Chakra," she told them, and pointed to her own bottle, sitting on top of her dresser. "Mine's blue, Hotaru's purple, and Ito, you got green. The bottles are pretty thick and you can get special carrying cases and such if you want, for the Chakra-paper and to hold that shit, so that it don't get wet and whatever the fuck else you gotta worry about on missions, ya know?" She shifted slightly and scratched the back of her neck with embarrassment. "I know it ain't worth shit on this mission, but, well, we gotta use exploding tags and stuff, and if you mix your blood with the ink, then only you'll be able to use 'em and shit, ya know? So, later on, it'll be useful, I guess…"

"Thank you," Ito said, before she could ramble on any further, smiling slightly at the redheaded girl. "It _will_ be very useful later on, especially in making personalized tags, like you said." Hotaru bounced, beaming happily.

"I can't wait until dusk, now!" She exclaimed happily, and Ito shook her head while Namiko got herself back under control, pleased her gift had been accepted.

"Let's go over Namiko's things," Ito told the bluenette calmly. "Then we can discuss the mission." She turned her gray-tinged-purple eyes on the redhead. "First of all, I think you need to learn how to use senbon, if only enough so that you can semi-accurately throw them. You don't need to be an expert or anything, but you shouldn't just give up on a valuable weapon because it's difficult to learn." Namiko scowled, but reluctantly nodded in agreement. "You'll need more tags, of course, especially since you're our escape/trapping expert. Anything that will cause the enemy a viable distraction, you should have at your disposal." She pursed her lips. "I think I'll arm you with some of my hallucinogens. Those would work excellently with your style of fighting. Long-range, right?" Namiko shook her head, surprising her teammates.

"Close-range, all the way," she said simply. "Bit of long- and mid-range 'cause of my trapping stuff, but I use that to hold 'em still so I can get in close. Like it to be a bit more personal, ya know?" She shrugged. "You a long-range?" Ito nodded firmly, and Namiko grinned ferally. "I trap 'em, you stab 'em, and we nab 'em, eh?" Ito snorted, and Hotaru giggled.

"I'm a mid- to long-range," she admitted. "I don't like getting up close, though I _can_ and I _will_ but _still_. My taijutsu sucks." She pouted, and Namiko and Ito shared a look.

"Definitely gonna work on that," The redhead said bluntly; the greenette nodded sagely.

"You're our medic, and we're not letting you get compromised by the simple factor of bad taijutsu," she said firmly; Hotaru sighed but nodded, sulking slightly, eying the things spread out in front of her.

"Maybe you should have some bells," she said; her teammates both stared at her blankly, confused. Hotaru cocked her head. "Well, you attach, say, some clear fishing line to a bell, hang it from a tree, and move away from it with the end tied to your hand. Enemy confronts you; you wait for the right moment, pull the string, bell rings, enemy looks over at the sound, and _bam!_ You got them right then and there. I know _I'd_ look over at a bell in an unusual place in the middle of a fight, 'cause it could be another attack, you know?" Her teammates stared at her.

"That's-" Ito started.

"Fucking brilliant," Namiko crowed, grinning, and Hotaru beamed, happy and slightly relieved that they hadn't called her an idiot and ignored her idea.

"They could also be used as last-resort warning systems," Ito said thoughtfully; Namiko nodded happily, grinning as she began to slide everything away, mostly into her pack, working around her three, thin _Kawarimi_ logs. She opened her mouth to say something, when there was a sudden pounding on the door, making the three of them jump.

"Namiko!" Himawari shouted through the door. "Are you and your friends done yet? You better not be making a mess!" The redhead grimaced and sent a dark look at the door.

"Yeah, yeah, we're leaving, ya old hag!" she snarled, and Himawari yowled like a scalded cat.

"You best eat out for dinner, you ungrateful brat, if you're going to take that tone with me, because you'll find no food for you here!" The merchant-woman screeched; Namiko snorted.

"Like I'd eat that slime you call food, ya fucking cow!" she shouted back. "Ya probably poisoned it or sommat!"

"Why you-UH! Just hurry up and get out, you and your disgusting little friends!" Namiko snarled.

"Happily!" she barked back, and then shot an apologetic look towards her teammates. "Sorry," she muttered as the three of them got to their feet and got ready to leave. "We've never gotten along, me an' old lady Himawari. The old man, he's better, but then, he's almost never around, so," she shrugged, and shared and vicious, glowering scowl with her female guardian as the trio padded through the living room towards the door.

"I meant it!" The woman snapped. "Find dinner somewhere else tonight, Namiko!" The redhead snarled her agreement and made sure to slam the door behind her, stalking forward and taking the lead, walking down the street with her two, quiet teammates following quietly behind her.

"…You can eat at my place tonight," Ito offered abruptly, making Namiko stop and turn slowly. The greenette wasn't looking at her teammates, though, and was instead scratching the bridge of her nose in faint embarrassment as she stared at some nearby flowers. "You both can, even if we fail the mission." Hotaru stared at her, then her pink eyes softened and she beamed brightly.

"I'll bring rice balls and dango!" She declared, clapping her hands. "We can make a party out of it!" Namiko stared at her two… friends, and then smiled, relieved and grateful and embarrassed and touched all rolled into one mash of feelings.

"Yeah," she agreed, reaching up and uncertainly rubbing the back of her neck, smiling at the two as they looked at her, Ito using the corner of her eye, Hotaru grinning widely. "Let's make it a party."

Dusk came upon the Village with a strange sense of foreboding mixed with anticipation. The three girls drifted out of an alley and nonchalantly made their way into Momose Dango, taking seats around their sensei and waiting with slight impatience as she finished up the last few sticks of her dango. She tossed the empty stick on the plate, gave them a sly grin, and stood, stretching, before sauntering out of the shop, hands behind her head, and the Genin followed her. After a few moments, they were taking to the roofs, leaping swiftly across the Village for several minutes, until Anko finally came to a stop on the roof of a building across from an apartment complex. There, she leaned her elbows against the ledge, eyes narrowed into gleaming slits, tongue curling out to lick her upper lip.

"Your target," she said in a calm, easy voice, and the three Genin focused on her with a sharp intensity, "is one Hatake Kakashi, a Jounin. You are to locate his apartment after he leaves the premises, gain entrance, and retrieve for me every single one of the orange novels titled _Icha Icha_. It is imperative that you get _every_, _single one_, and that you _don't_ _get caught_. You have one hour after my signal to complete the mission, failure of which will result in your removal from this team and your return to the Academy." She glanced at them, and, smirking, tossed a medium-sized scroll at Namiko, who caught it with a blink. "That's a specialized Sealing Scroll, it'll hold quite a bit. If, however, you somehow manage to fill it, you'll have to figure out how to get the rest of the required books. Any questions?" Namiko cautiously raised her hand and Anko go her an amused look.

"What'll you be doing?"

"Ah," and Anko gave her familiar cat-smile. "I shall be assisting you, by retrieving the single book Kakashi-kun _always_ carries on his person." Her eyes snapped to the ground outside the apartment complex, and narrowed, intensifying with a predatory intent. "The hunt is about to begin, maggots. Don't get caught, and wait until he gets out of sight." With that, Anko was gone, disappearing in a swirl of leaves. The three Genin quickly peered over the ledge, watching as the tall silver-haired man with the hitate-ai over his left eye, reading an orange book that was, apparently, their objective for the mission. They waited, hearts beating quickly, for him to disappear around the corner, before they scrabbled down to the street and toward the building.

"I've got an idea on how to get in," Namiko whispered to her teammates with a sly grin, and the other two shared a look, shrugged, and leaned in to listen. The plan she told them was unbelievably simple, and so easy they stared at her in disbelief.

"There's no way that could work," Ito muttered; Namiko rolled her eyes.

"He's a Jounin," she reminded patiently. "So, he's gotta have his windows and shit all booby-trapped to hell and back, you know? So, this is the safest way to get in. No one would expect it!" Ito had to agree; no one _would_ expect it. Hotaru grinned.

"Let's do it," she encouraged, and the greenette sighed and finally agreed. Soon, the three of them were inside the apartment complex, and Namiko was knocking on the door of the Landlady. A middle-aged woman in a dark yellow kimono, with brown hair and brown eyes, opened it. Namiko gave her an apologetic smile.

"I'm terribly sorry for disturbing you, Ma'am," she said earnestly, and then her smile turned a little sheepishly. "But Kakashi-sensei sent us here to get some things from his apartment, because he's meeting with Mitarashi-sensei, and can't do it himself. But, we don't know which apartment he lives in, or if he's locked the door, and since he's a Jounin…"

"Say no more," the Landlady sighed, turning and plucking a ring with a good hundred keys on it, shaking her head. "I swear, that man is always either late or forgetting something, though this is the first time he's ever sent Genin to get it for him…" Namiko laughed, still playing shy and sheepish.

"Well, we _did_ just get Jounin sensei's today," she offered as an explanation. "Maybe it's an excuse to relax a little?" The Landlady nodded, satisfied with that answer, and Namiko shared a look with her teammates. They followed the Landlady up two flights of stairs, to apartment three-oh-seven, where she stopped.

"Here we are, dears," she said easily, and , after glancing through her keys, pulled out one and unlocked the door easily. She pushed it open and gestured, and the three girls peered into the gloom, staring at the semi-dark, cluttered room. "Good luck finding whatever it is your sensei needed," the woman said, amused, as the three girls grimaced and cautiously slid into the room. Namiko flashed the woman an anxious smile.

"We promise we won't be longer than necessary, Ma'am," she assured earnestly, and the Landlady waved it away, and closed the door.

"Nice work, Namiko," Ito offered, and Hotaru giggled, nudging an old box of take-out with a foot, wrinkling her nose.

"Let's go book hunting~!" The bluenette sang, and her teammates shared an amused look, before the three of them all pulled up their scented masks and slipped around the cluttered room, moving very carefully and looking for traps as well as the bright orange of the books.

"Found them!" Namiko declared, crouching in the bedroom and popping her fingers as her teammates joined her, her green eyes narrowed as she eyed the thin wires she could just barely make out. "Who the fuck booby-traps their books?" she wondered out loud.

"A Jounin who doesn't want them to leave the premises," Ito said bluntly, eyes roving. "Are they all there?" Namiko glanced over the numbers at the top of each book, and nodded slightly.

"All but number twenty-four, which we can assume is currently being apprehended by psycho-bitch."

"Can you de-activate the traps without setting off any of the mechanisms?" Ito demanded as Hotaru crouched down nearby, peering up and over at her teammates.

"I dunno yet," Namiko admitted, frowning. "They look easy and obvious, but this is a Jounin, and there's that saying 'look underneath the underneath' or whatever the fuck it is. So, it _could_ be what it seems, or it could be something horribly complicated."

"We got thirty minutes, guys," Hotaru said, and Namiko cursed, reaching up to tug at her bangs.

"Treat it as it looks," Ito suggested. "We'll be prepared for something worse, but for now, you can only work with what you know." Namiko nodded sharply and pulled out a kunai. She examined the intricate work of ninja wire, knowing that there was one place, and only one, where she would have to cut in order to get the entire trap to release. This was, after all, one of the traps she'd studied over the last week, known as the Bird Trap. The slightest of pressure, like that of a baby bird, to the wrong wire, and all that razor-sharp wire lashed out and would wrap around the instigator, causing severe physical damage as well as trapping them in a painful way.

She stared at it for a good five minutes, before lashing out and cutting firmly through a tiny section of wire. The entire thing tensed, then went limp and fell to the ground and she sighed, reaching up and wiping her forehead with relief. Ito clapped her on the shoulder, then pulled the Sealing Scroll from her pouch and rolled it open. Hotaru joined them as they began to quickly but quietly move the books onto the Seal, watching them disappear into it silently. Hotaru was the one who finally let her curiosity get the better of her, though, and opened one of the books. She stared uncomprehendingly for about thirty seconds, her lack of movement gaining the attention of her teammates. Then her pink eyes slowly widened in understanding, and then horror, and she opened her mouth in the beginning of a shriek-

Which Ito and Namiko quickly stopped by slapping their hands over her mask-covered mouth, hissing at her to keep quiet. She stared at them with huge eyes, and they cautiously removed their hands.

"Why would sensei want _that_ sort of, of, _trash_?" She hissed, still obviously horrified. Ito and Namiko shared a look, then cautiously picked up the orange book and look at the open page warily. Only to stare blankly at the scene depicted within, for several moments.

"…I've seen better," Ito finally declared, shrugging and handing the book off to Namiko, who tilted her head slowly to one side, and pointed at something in the picture.

"Those are so fucking fake," she declared, nodding with pursed lips. "So lame." She tossed the book into the Sealing Scroll with a haughty sniff, and it disappeared. They only had a few books left, but, as they were putting the last book away and rolling the scroll up, a sense of utter and total doom rose up like a cloud of death behind them, and they all stilled, suddenly terrified as a force of pure Killer Intent flooded the room.

"_What_," a male voice growled lowly. "Do you think you're doing, little Genin?" They slowly, painfully turned around, to meet the thunderous, painful-death-promising stare of one Hatake Kakashi. And reacted automatically.

"PERVERT!" Hotaru yowled, pointing at him with huge eyes and gaining all of his attention, ruining the 'moment' and therefore lowering the KI enough so her teammates could move. Ito immediately activated a sleep bomb, tossing it down, where it exploded in a noxious wave of yellow-green gas, enveloping the three Genin and the single Jounin… Or, well, the infuriated Jounin and the three logs that had taken Team Six's place as soon as the bomb had gone off. The three girls were crouch, now, on the opposite side of the room, backs to the wall, waiting anxiously to see if the man's plain-looking cloth mask had protected him from both the painful stench and the narcoleptic quality of the bombs. After five minutes, the smoke faded, and exposed the unconscious form of what had once been the furious Jounin.

"…Did that still count as getting caught, if he didn't actually catch us?" Hotaru asked weakly, and her teammates shared uncertain looks, before shrugging. Opting _not_ to approach the scary man lying on the floor, no matter how safe it appeared to be, Namiko used _Kawarimi_ with an old take-out box in order to get the Sealing Scroll, and the three of them hurriedly left the apartment, all but running out the door, and _really_ running once they hit the street.

"We are _so_ fucking dead when he wakes up!" Namiko groaned, glancing over her shoulder as she followed Ito and kept pace with Hotaru. "How long does that stuff last?"

"…Let's keep running," Ito said, picking up speed and forcing her teammates to do the same, heading to the only place they knew Anko would be, Momose Dango.

"Why are you avoiding the question, Ito-chan?" Hotaru asked nervously, as they darted down an alley and over a wall of what could have been a dead-end except, well, they were ninja.

"…" Ito muttered something, and Namiko tripped, rolled, and was back on her feet, eyes wild, seconds later.

"_WHAT?_" She shrieked. "What do you _mean_ you haven't tested it on a human before?"

"I told you, I test on animals I catch!" the greenette snapped. "How am I supposed to test my poisons and things on people, eh, Namiko?"

"But this is a _Sleep Bomb_, Ito! You could make it go off in the middle of a bunch of civilians and then record the results! Test it on a friend who you get to volunteer! _Something!_" She whimpered, anime-tears streaming down her face. "We're dead and we don't even know _when_ it'll happen! Psycho-bitch better fucking pass us or I am _so_ fucking… Well, I don't know what, pranking her horribly for the rest of the year or something like that, but yeah!" They finally reached Momose Dango and, to their utter relief, there sat their crazy sensei, sitting at the same table they'd met at twice that day, reading an orange book and giggling to herself with a leer on her face. Namiko all but threw the Sealing Scroll at her head in her frustrated terror, but the purple-haired kunoichi caught it and slowly looked up at them, taking in their panting, wild-eyed forms, and grinned that scary, insane grin, as opposed to her cat-smile.

"I see you met Kakashi-kun," she said. "Isn't he fun? Though, I _do_ wanna know how you maggots got out in one piece with all his precious books…" They all shared a look and shuddered. "Come on girls," she cooed, leaning forward, still grinning. "Details, details~!

"I may have distracted him," Hotaru managed weakly.

"I…may have dropped a sleeping bomb," Ito added, just as weakly.

"And I may have _Kawarimi_'d us out of there before it could affect us," Namiko finished.

"Um," Hotaru said, lifting a finger a little reluctantly. "We also, maybe, just a little, left him lying unconscious on the floor, and have no idea when the drug will wear off…"

"I _do_ know that the rotten-egg smell and the smell of onions will remain for three days," Ito offered her teammates, which made Namiko whimper.

"We're not just dead," she muttered. "We're tortured, dismembered, skinned, hung up by our intestines in the town square, and made an example out of." She lifted a face streaming with anime-tears. "Why, oh _why_ did we get an evil, psycho-bitch sensei? WHY?" Anko stared at them, and then looked behind them, and the three of them froze as _very_ familiar KI drowned them. They grabbed one another and slowly turned their heads, as a reeking, seething Kakashi rose up like a murderous, silver-haired shadow behind them. And, as one, they stared at him, took a deep breath through their thankfully scented masks…

And screamed bloody murder.

"SHE MADE US DO IT!" They yowled, pointing at their sensei as they cowered, and Anko just continued to howl with laughter, tears falling down her cheeks as she pounded her fist on the table. Kakashi turned his attention on her in a slow, predatory fashion, and she abruptly stopped laughing to grin at him ferally.

"Come to play, 'Kashi-kun?" She crooned, and a low growl escaped the silver-haired Jounin. The purple-haired kunoichi stood with a purposeful arch of her long body, and plucked up the scroll holding the other Jounin's precious books. She waved it tauntingly, grinning. "Let's go then, 'Kashi-kun. I wanna see if you're really so slow to let yourself get trapped by _Genin_." She grinned harshly at his furious snarl, then cast a glance at the still-cowering girls. "See you tomorrow, here, at eight, maggots," she said, grinning nastily. "You passed, but I'm gonna make you wish you didn't, no worries." And with that, the two Jounin's disappeared in a swirl of leaves, to hopefully leave the premises of the Village, so that they didn't cause major damage to any of the buildings as Kakashi strove to steal back his precious books.

It took a good ten minutes for Ito, Namiko, and Hotaru to get up off the ground, arms wrapped around one another, eyes huge and chests heaving as they tried to desperately believe the fact that, not only had they escaped death, but passed their Genin Test. Finally, though, they got their feet, though shakily.

"…Dinner still at my place?" Ito asked weakly; the other two nodded mutely.

"I'll just go get some rice balls and dango from Tousan," Hotaru murmured, slipping away toward the back of the shop, where the kitchen was. Namiko shuddered.

"I _never_ want to go on a mission designed by sensei ever again," she said; Ito only nodded, and they waited for their third teammate before heading towards the green-haired girls apartment in silence, huddling close in the after-image of Kakashi's KI.

Their first mission as Team Six was complete.

**A/N:** And LOLZ, _yes_ they _totally_ stole Kakashi's books! (Grins) He got them back, obviously, as he reads one the next day during Naruto & Co.'s Genin Test, but _still_…

**R&R~!**


	4. THREE: Beginning of Hell

**A/N:** Found this again, so here's the next chapter!

**R&R~!**

**THREE:**

_Beginning of Hell_

The three kunoichi met up at Momose Dango the next morning at seven thirty, yawning and mostly sleepless, their night plagued with turbulent nightmares about their insane sensei mixed with the memory of Kakashi's KI. Ken gave them each a small plate of dango and rice balls, and each had a cup of green tea, as they waited in sleepy silence for their sensei.

"Do think we'll get lucky and Kakashi-sensei killed Psycho-Bitch Sensei?" Namiko asked with tired hope; Ito shook her head with a sigh.

"Doubtful. He'd have to fill out paperwork and be temporarily suspended from duty if he did, and that would mean that he had all the free time to hunt us down and eviscerate us." Hotaru set her elbows on the table and perched her chin in her hands with a thoughtful look.

"I'm actually pretty sure that he wouldn't do that," she told her teammates, who gave her disbelieving looks. "I mean, he was, like, really mad yesterday, so eviscerating would probably be deemed to good for us. I'm pretty sure he'd strip pieces of our skin off, inch-by-inch, and rub salt and lemon juice into each wound, let it bleed for a minute, and then cauterized it with one of his lightning jutsu, and then he'd make sure we couldn't go into shock and die on him before he was finished, and then he-"

"Morning, Maggots!" Anko announced, grinning cheerfully at the startled shrieks of Ito and Namiko, who had been staring at Hotaru with steadily growing horror as the bubbly medic-nin-in-training happily told them gruesome ways Kakashi would torture and kill them.

"Don't do that!" Namiko shouted, and then was replaced by a log as Anko's kunai thunked deep into the wood. "Kami damn it Psycho-Bitch Sensei!" the redhead cried as she crawled out from under the table and gave the purple-haired Kunoichi a wild-eyed glare. "The fuck's the matter with you?! I'd have thought you would have blown off some fucking crazy-steam when sparring with Kakashi-sensei!"

"Did he get his books back?" Hotaru asked curiously, happily eating some dango while Ito took it upon herself to remove the kunai from Namiko's log and pass both objects to their respective owners, giving a long-suffering sigh.

"'Kashi-kun is always fun to play with," Anko informed Namiko as Ken set a large platter of dango in front of the Jounin, and a pot of tea with four cups for Team Six to enjoy, patting his daughter on the head before moving away again. "And yes, he got his books back. But, no more chit-chat! We've got plans, and so be ready to be whipped into shape, maggots, 'cause by the end of the month, you'll be cursing my name and drowning in tears, blood and sweat!"

"I already curse your name," Namiko informed her sensei tartly as she re-took her seat, sullenly eating the rest of her breakfast as Hotaru happily poured them all tea.

"Then I'm obviously doing something right, Fire-crotch," Anko retorted; Namiko's eye twitched and she growled under her breath, before taking a gulp of her too-hot tea. She spent the next few minutes choking and fanning her tongue, tears in her eyes while Hotaru fluttered about her, pink eyes wide with concern, and Ito face-palmed in exasperation. Anko just cackled at her Genin's misfortune.

"Anyways, Maggots, finish your food. It'll be the last decent meal you'll have for the next month! Then, you're to go home, and pack a bag, because for the next thirty days, you're my bitches and we'll be living in a hostile area. And I wont be bailing you out of anything, unless I know you're gonna die." She finished her own dango and gave them all a look as they sat, staring at her with wide eyes. "Well? Get you're asses _MOVING, MAGGOTS_!" Anko bellowed, flaring her KI.

She had to admit, if only to herself, that her little fire-crotch maggot was damn good at Kawarimi. She hadn't even used hand signs, but now she and her teammates had disappeared, all three of them replaced with small logs.

"All hail the Log," Anko murmured, and then grinned her customary cat-like grin as Ken set a fresh plate of dango in front of her. "Amen!" She declared, before voraciously digging into her treat.

"We're going to die," Namiko announced as the three Genin made their way back to Momose Dango, their bags packed and their spirits grim... Or, well, Ito and Namiko's spirits were grim. Hotaru was humming and bouncing ahead of them a bit, apparently thrilled with the chance to "hang out" with her team for a month... Even with their evil sensei.

"All right, Maggots!" Anko declared, popping up in front of the three abruptly, making Hotaru squeak, Ito jerk back a step, and Namiko to trip and fall on her face with a curse. "Follow me!" the Jounin pivoted and strode away, smirking slyly as Namiko continued to curse under her breath. "Maggots, during this survival test, you will be under threat of death, maiming, and getting your pathetic asses eaten!" She announced cheerfully. "So! Before we head into my favorite hunting ground, you all need to sign one little, unimportant paper, saying that I am in no way, shape or form to blame for any injuries that may be brought on your cute little maggoty heads during our little team-building excersize... Okay?" She sent a cat-like smile over her shoulder, amused at they way they had started to huddle together. "When we get there, I'll hand you your waivers, and then we'll go through your bags! With how weak kunoichi seem to be this year, I don't want any worthless things brought along that'll hinder us in any way, understand, Maggots?"

"Hai, Sensei," the girls replied, a little glumly, the three of them sharing a morose look.

"Do you get as bad a feeling about this shit as I am?" Namiko whispered to her teammates; Ito nodded with a solemn look while Hotaru hunched her shoulders and looked around nervously.

"You don't think she told Kakashi-sensei where we'll be for the next month, do you?" the bluenette asked nervously; Ito and Namiko shared an alarmed look.

"I didn't think of that," the greenette admitted, while Namiko whimpered and began to cry anime tears and muttered about how doomed they were. "Then again, maybe that's _why_ we're going away for a month," the poison expert added thoughtfully.

"What do you mean, Ito-chan?" Hotaru asked curiously while Namiko looked up with a hopeful expression.

"Well," Ito began, "Kakashi-sensei _was_ pretty pissed, so, Anko can use the excuse of training us and taking us on this 'Survival Test' when in reality she's hiding out a bit until he can cool off..."

"That's genius," Namiko admitted with an impressed expression as she began to smile, mood restored. Hotaru bobbed her head happily.

"Unless, of course, the reason she's alive and unharmed from Kakashi-sensei's wrath is because she promised to get the three of us isolated in a dangerous area, where we could be maimed, killed, or made to disappear and it could be blamed on the hostile environment," the medic-nin-in-training chirruped, skipping ahead. Ito shook her head with a sigh as Namiko once more began to cry and whimper, cursing brokenly under her breath as a proverbial rain cloud thundered over her bowed head.

"This is going to be a _long_ month," she sighed as Team Six followed their insane Sensei towards Training Ground Forty-Four, otherwise known as the Forest of Death.

"Alright, Maggots!" Anko announced, spinning around with a dramatic flare of her trench coat. In her hand was a small packet of papers. "All three of you need to sign these, and then we'll get to baggage check, alright? Wonderful, get to it!" She cheerfully tossed them the papers that would absolve her of any agony they would feel over the next thirty days, and the three of them signed after reading the general contract looking for any fine-print their Sensei may have added.

"Great!" She exclaimed cheerfully as she snatched the signed papers out of the three girls hands and stuffed them down into the depths of her cleavage without so much as a blink. "Now, let's see what you brought with you! Fire-crotch, you first!" Namiko twitched at the nickname and glowered darkly at the scantily clad Jounin, before emptying her bag grudgingly.

"Durable extra clothes, a rain-cover, pallet, lots of rope and ninja wire, extra weapons, and lots of extra bandages, all good. Non-perishable foods, that's good to. Should have brought some ointments and things, and some feminine supplies, because there's nothing worse than going on the rag in a survival situation." Namiko blushed and scowled slightly.

"I haven't started that shit yet," she admitted with an embarrassed huff; Anko shrugged.

"You will soon, so enjoy it while you can, Fire-crotch," the purple-haired Jounin advised, before shrugging again.

"You're next, Tea-Leaf," she ordered Ito, who arched a brow at the name, before shrugging and pouring out her supplies while Namiko started putting hers away. "Good clothes, rain gear, pallet, vials and shit I'm guessing is for collecting stuff for your poisons, yeah?" Ito nodded; Anko continued, looking over her things with a critical eye. "You've got your packet of period-shit, that's good, and a couple vials of different antidotes. Good, good... You got any food or water?" Ito held up a sealing scroll.

"Two boxes of ration bars, several gallon jugs of water, as well as soldier pills and blood replenishers," the girl informed her sensei calmly; Anko nodded with approval.

"Good, good. Now, Bubblegum!" She ordered, jabbing a finger at Hotaru, who perked up happily.

"I like bubblegum!" Anko rolled her eyes.

"Shut up and show me your shit, Bubblegum," she ordered; Hotaru cheerfully began to dump out her things for her Sensei to examine.

"Lots of extra medical supplies, extra clothes, rain gear, pallet, and... A rubber duck?" Anko asked, lifting the yellow rubber toy up with a bemused look.

"Ducky!" Hotaru cried, snatching the toy from the Jounin's hand to squeak it happily. "I forgot you were in here!"

"...I ain't even going to ask, Bubblegum," Anko decided, shaking her head and going back to all the supplies. "Well, you've got a couple of bentos, a handful of ration bars, and one bottle of water. Not so smart on the food and water bit, but you've got a shit-ton of medical supplies, so I'll forgive you. Now," she stretched and turned to look at fenced-in, menacing forest area with a definitely fond expression. "Pack your crap back up, and let's get moving! We're losing daylight, Maggots, and that's when all the critters come out to play~!" Her smile was bloodthirsty and eager as her Genin shared uncertain, grim looks.

Let the Month From Hell begin...

**A/N:** And there we go!

Don't forget to leave a Review!


	5. FOUR: Hell Isn't A Strong Enough Word

**A/N:** Decided to work on this next chapter at about one in the morning, so (Shrugs) Yeah...

Also, apologies for making Ito a bit out of character last chap, Tori! Getting back in the rhythm of things, lolz...

**R&R~!**

**FOUR:**

"Hell" Isn't A Strong Enough Word

"This isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be," Hotaru declared happily as she continued to pluck the rare herbs Ito wanted to experiment with. Namiko rolled her eyes and cursed under her breath as she used a Kunai to play tic-tac-toe in the dirt with Anko (who was continuously winning, much to the redhead's chagrin). Ito was muttering and murmuring to herself, going over various ingredients and chemical reactions the herb would have with this and that. It was their third day and, besides a peculiar rainstorm that lasted three hours on the first day, it had been relatively easy, as they stayed in the outskirts.

Today, however, they were moving steadily farther into the belly of the beast, according to Anko.

Her obscene glee in that fact made Ito wary, Hotaru confused, and left Namiko crying anime tears as she whimpered about all the horrible things that must be awaiting them (this seemed to include being eaten alive, buried alive, meeting a still-angry Kakashi, being left to die, getting kidnapped by too-intelligent animals, and Hotaru snapping and deciding to try a live dissection... The last one was by far the most disturbing to Ito, as, when voiced by the rather dramatic redhead, their blue-haired teammate had gone suspiciously quiet and thoughtful for a while. Definitely boded watching, that one...).

"Alright, enough lazing, Maggots!" Anko declared after her seventh consecutive win at tic-tac-toe, making Namiko scowl. "Let's get moving!" And then the eccentric-cough-psychotic Jounin leapt into the trees, and left her three Genin on the ground, as she had specifically forbade them from branch-jumping unless fleeing for their lives. Namiko took the lead, as Ito was still in her own little world and Hotaru was skipping along beside her, rattling off various affects that different poisons had on the human body, with a rather cheerful tone. Namiko sulked, and wondered when the month was going to be up...

Twenty minutes later, the three Genin were stopped on their walk as something large scuttled from the nearby bushes and into their path, making them freeze.

"Don't. Move." Ito intoned without moving her lips; Namiko and Hotaru had no problems obeying the order, both absolutely still as the three of them stared at the animal. It reached about six-feet high, coarse, red-brown fur looking more like flexible needles, fangs clicking together as it, too, stilled to observe them, eyes large and black and wet as it stared at them. The Genin didn't even dare to _breathe_ as they stared at those eyes, seeing their reflections. The trees around them quieted as the opponents stared each other down, tense and ready to fight for flee, depending entirely on the others moves. The animal made a high-pitched chirping sound, and Hotaru made an aborted whimper, Ito nearly joining her. Namiko slowly, oh-so-slowly, lifted a hand and pointed at the creature, ears filled with white-noise as adrenaline pumped into her system.

"That," she started, voice tight and hoarse. "Is. A. Fucking. _Spider._" Said massive arachnid chirruped again, and took a step towards them. Hotaru screeched, Ito began a rapid retreat, and Namiko jumped back as the spider lunged.

"SPIIIIIIDDDDEEEEERRRRR!" Hotaru screamed as she and Ito grabbed Namiko by the wrists and took off into the Forest at breakneck speed, making the redhead's feet fly up behind her as they pulled her along, eyes huge and locked on the eight-legged creature as it sprang after them, clicking and chirping in excitement as it followed. Vaguely, she could hear their psychotic sensei whooping and cackling like a demented Howler Monkey in the canopy high above, and the kunoichi couldn't help but whimper as the spider began to gain on them.

_'Being a ninja __**sucks**__,'_ she thought, anime tears steadily falling as her teammates dragged her on in a demented game of "Catch Me If You Can" with the horse-sized tarantula, Anko laughing as she followed.

**~(Line Break)~**

"I hate this place, I hate this place, I _hate_ this _**place**_, _I HATE THIS PLACE!_" Hotaru screamed as Team Six fled yet _another_ one of the Forest of Death's inhabitants, this time an unbelievably large and vicious weasel.

"Less talk-y, more run-HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Namiko broke off with a scream as another weasel fell from above them, it's kunai-length incisors sinking deep into the tree branch the redhead and her teammates had just vacated, replaced by an almost instinctive _kawarimi_ which had left behind some rather alarmed birds in the three girls place. The first weasel, unable to stop in time, slammed into its companion, sending the two of them into a screeching, hissing tumble. Unfortunately for the Genin, the weasels recovered from this surprise, and decided that they'd work better together, which meant that Team Six now had _two_ voracious critters after them.

"I vote we feed Sensei to them, all in favor?" Ito asked as the three of them lunged down the tree and into a pre-decided clearing, the weasels, gleefully following, mouths open wide.

"Agreed," Namiko and Hotaru both replied, and, with barely a blink, the three girls were again replaced, this time with three medium-sized rocks, as the two weasels slammed into the ground their prey had just been standing on, and immediately fell into the deep tiger pit said prey had dug out and filled with deadly, sharpened spears of bamboo and greenwood. The weasels died with cut-off shrieks, and the girls tiredly made their way to the lip of the pit.

"I went in last time, it's Hotaru's turn," Namiko declared; Hotaru scowled.

"Nuh-uh, Ito's turn. I played bait today," the Medic-nin-in-training refused; Ito rolled her eyes.

"Babies," she muttered without heat, and accepted the sturdy rope Namiko offered, tying it around her waist as the other girls secured it to a nearby tree root that was about as thick around as an Akimichi.

"Don't die," Namiko suggested, Hotaru bobbing her head rapidly in agreement. Anko, had she been there, probably would have cackled, but after the first week, she had left to do a few things herself, showing up once every three days or so, to collect animal pelts, dropped weapons from other victims of the Forest, and special plants Ito asked her to drop off at the greenettes apartment, and to also make sure her "Maggots" hadn't done something truly embarrassing, like died or something.

"If I do, don't eat me," Ito replied without hesitation, as Hotaru handed her another coil of rope so they could haul the weasels from the pit.

"No promises," the bluenette informed her with a tired smile, so much dimmer than her smiles before the Forest, but still relatively bright compared to her teammates.

"Noted," Ito completed the ritual, and began to carefully lower herself into the pit, Namiko and Hotaru keeping eyes and ears out for danger, even as they clung to their teammates lifeline. After about ten minutes of slowly getting more and more tense, Ito tugged twice on her lifeline, paused, then tugged a third time, signalling that she was ready to come up and that everything had gone according to plan. Hotaru and Namiko immediately began to heave their teammate up, using the muscles they had gained from running about and surviving the last three-and-a-half weeks in Training Ground Forty-Four. As soon as Ito reappeared at the lip of the pit, she scrambled up the rest of the way, and handed the rope in her hands, the one _not_ connected to her waist, to her teammates, and the three of them began to carefully pull the two weasel corpses up, warily keeping an eye on their surroundings. They'd learned early on that the smell of the blood from whatever critter fell in their trap, would bring more predators to their location.

Once the two weasels were up, the girls quickly set about skinning and cutting up their prey, folding the skins for Anko, and tying the meat into careful packets for better storage. They also took the weasels fangs and claws, as both apparently fetched a pretty penny, and they were splitting thirty percent of all profits Anko got for whatever creature part they gave her to sell. Leaving behind a large amount of the tougher meats, inedible organs, and the bones; the three girls swiftly re-set their pit and made their way to their camp, bypassing all the traps that encircled their little nest set under the roots of a large tree.

Quickly, they began the long process of preparing the food. Hotaru took her stack and began to cook the meat over the hot, steady fire they had, while Ito prepared the skins properly, and Namiko salted the rest of the meat and cut it down, making it into a mildly unpleasant but sustainable beef-jerky... Or, well, _weasel_-jerky.

"I'm so glad you brought so much fucking water with you, Green-Girl," Namiko declared for what seemed like the eightieth time. "I am so fucking happy we don't gotta boil a shit-ton of water for drinking and shit, now," the redhead sighed happily, Hotaru giggled while Ito rolled her eyes lightly.

"I still don't think that whatever's making the animals big is in the water, Namiko," the greenette reiterated for the hundredth time, while Namiko just shook her head and Hotaru began to quietly hum.

"Yeah, well, better safe than fucking sorry," Namiko declared. "This shit is fucking ridiculous, I mean, seriously! These weasels are the size of the fucking Inuzuka dogs! The ones that belong to the fucking _Jounin!_ My Kunai are actually a good two inches shorter than this motherfucker's _teeth_!" she flailed a bit, brandishing one of said fangs, before she huffed and returned to making weasel-jerky. "Un-fucking-believable, I swear to fucking Kami," she complained, muttering as she began to carefully cut and salt more meat.

"Well, aren't you all just little bundles of sunshine, Maggots!" Anko declared as she appeared in their midst, ducking under the immediate barrage of Kunai, Shurikan, and Senbon her Genin threw at her, and barely side-stepping the...

Was that a _liver_?

Did Bubblegum just throw a fucking _liver _at her?!

...

Was it human?

"Fucking Psycho-Bitch Sensei!" Namiko shouted, making Anko pull her fascinated stare away from the organ that was now lying limply in her hands. "Don't fucking _do_ that! One of these fucking days we're gonna shove a motherfucking skewer through your Kami-damned _face_, you crazy bitch!" Anko grinned at her, and Namiko hunched down as she abruptly found her back covered by the Jounin, who was rubbing their cheeks together happily.

"Aw, I missed you too, Fire-Crotch!" She declared cheerfully.

"Who died?" Hotaru asked, as Ito began to seriously contemplate drugging their sensei and using _her_ as bait for food sometime soon.

"No one who matters," Anko responded immediately, abandoning her redheaded student to flounce over and perch next to the bluenette. "I just decided to come and inform my cute little Maggots that today's their last day out here playing," she declared cheerfully, and all three girls slowly turned towards her, stopping what they were doing. "Tomorrow morning, we're out of here," she continued blithely, only to stop as she suddenly found herself _Kawarimi_'d with a stack of finished furs, wrapped tightly in ninja wire like a cocoon, and strung above one of the many makeshift pits surrounding the camp. Her three Genin were wild-eyed and circling her like cute little heathen monsters, and she felt so proud when they bared their teeth and pointed at her vital spots with Kunai they had tied to the end of long, sturdy sticks to make into spears.

"If you are fucking with us," Namiko growled.

"We will _end you_," Ito snarled.

"_Creatively_," Hotaru hissed.

Now Anko really _was_ proud, and resisted cooing at her little Maggots.

They grow up _so_ fast!

"No mind-fucks, Maggots," Anko told them with a wide, vicious grin. "Completely serious. You're out come morning. Cross my heart, hope to kill, and all that jazz." Hotaru looked vaguely confused.

"I thought it was-"

"Ignore it, Hotaru," Ito interrupted, as, within seconds, Namiko had released Anko and had wrapped the woman in an enthusiastic hug.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, than-HOLY SHIT!" She yelps, disappearing and being replaced by a log, which was immediately stabbed by the Kunai that had briefly poked the redhead in the side. "I fucking hate you, Psycho-Bitch Sensei," Namiko announced with an irritated scowl as she huddled by the soon-to-be weasel-jerky. Anko just cackled, and joined them for dinner, spending the night.

**~(Line Break)~**

"FREEDOM!" Namiko howled, throwing her arms in the air and dropping to the dirt, to sprawl and weep happily as the Team and their Sensei stepped into civilization. Ito and Hotaru slumped next to her with a bit more restraint, the three of them blissfully ignoring the confused, judging stares of the villagers as Anko smirked down at them.

"Hot water," Ito groaned.

"Nothing trying to eat us," Namiko sobbed.

"No more giant bugs," Hotaru sighed happily.

"Foooooood~" Namiko moaned.

"Beds," Ito offered.

"Air Conditioning," Hotaru sang.

"_Hot Springs_," Namiko hissed gleefully.

"_Without_ giant leeches!" Ito responded with a pleased smile.

"_Or_ piranha!" Hotaru cheered.

"Thank Kami," the three of them sighed together, Hotaru and Ito slumping down onto Namiko, who didn't even grunt at the extra weight. Anko snickered and took a couple of pictures, before hauling the greenette and bluenette to their feet, and kicking Namiko to hers and making her yelp and trip back down onto her face.

"Sensei!" She complained, yelping again and dodging a smack to the head.

"No time for daydreaming, Maggots!" Anko announced with her creepy cat-grin. "We've got to report to the Missions Office and turn in all these completed Mission Scrolls!" She began to lead the way as her Genin exchanged befuddled looks.

"What?" Hotaru asked her companions, both of whom shrugged and just followed their crazy Sensei, watching with amusement as she kicked the door right off of its hinges and onto some poor Chunin, marching straight up to the "Completed Missions" desk.

"Team Anko, reporting in!" She announced with her creepy grin, and began to cheerfully hand over scroll after scroll, pulling them rapidly out of Kami-knows-where, until a large pyramid of at _least_ twelve scrolls sat in front of the slightly alarmed Chunin.

"Er... Good job?" He tried, peering over the pyramid to send the ragged-looking Kunoichi behind Anko a sympathetic look. "Let's see what we've got here, then." He began to go through the pile as Anko grabbed her Team and shoved them forward.

"Collect the gallbladder of a Masked Tree Cat?" He read.

"Oh, Kami, I'd forgotten that fucker," Namiko groaned, remembering the pony-sized black cat with its tawny facial fur, and how she now had a set of claw scars on her right hip from it.

"Check," Ito informed the man as he wrote it down.

"Collect two pounds of Belladonna, and one ounce of Poison Dart Frog mucus?"

"Check."

"All the teeth of four Fire Bear's?"

"Those tasted horrible. Nasty, tough meat."

"Pelts from a White and Regular Tiger?

"Check."

"Feathers from a Leaf-Dappled Hawk?"

"Check."

"Sixteen ounces of boiled leech oil?"

"That shit smelled worse than a body left in the summer sun for twelve hours, ugh, check!"

"Four pounds of Toad Eggs?"

"Check."

"Fangs and hairs of a Kunai Spider?"

"Ew, ew, ew, never speak of it again, ew, check, EW!"

"Banana Tree saplings?"

"Check."

"Seven pounds of wild onions?"

"Check."

"Three Wild Boar?"

"Mean fuckers, but check."

"And, finally, Five Streaked Weasel pelts," the Chunin finished; Anko immediately dropped the five pelts onto his desk, still grinning her cat-like smile, and then added the weasel claws and fangs in neat bundles on top of the pile. The Chunin cleared his throat and looked through it all.

"Um, well, everything is in order," he managed, shuffling some papers. "Congratulations on completing four average D-Ranks, seven above-average D-Ranks, and one C-Rank mission," he said, handing a sheaf of papers to Anko with a wary look. "Just fill out your reports and turn them in, and the correct sums will be placed in your accounts, as per your Sensei's orders," the man continued, now speaking to the girls.

"Thank you," They replied in their usual tones, before tiredly following their Sensei out of the shop and towards Momose Dango, where Hotaru's father had set up a huge meal for them to eat, to celebrate their return. Before they could dig in, however, their Sensei dropped one last bomb on them...

"No eating until it's all finished, Maggots!" The purple-haired Jounin cackled, as the three girls began to slowly work their way through their reports, a large pile of paper for them to fill out on the table, while their Sensei happily munched away on Dango.

"Being a ninja _sucks_," Namiko announced as she finished yet another report, eyeing her pile of paper warily (Did it just get bigger?).

"Agreed," her teammates replied immediately, before the three of them heaved heavy sighs, and got back to work.

**A/N:** Ta-Da~! That was fun. Don't forget to Review! ^-^

See you next chapter!


End file.
